realinterrobang (realinterrobang) wrote,

Quotes, Missing Jerusalem Edition

Ernesto Miranda forever changed police interrogation procedures, but it doesn’t mean he wasn’t a low-life scumbag.
-- Betty Cracker, Balloon Juice, comments

Why are they called palm trees when they won't even fit in my hand
-- tumblr user fartgallery, spotted on imgur

Because if people say you are too fat to wear one, then you will lose weight. once you lose weight they will say you are too flat chested for one and then get surgery. Once you have Double D’s they will say you do not have a butt for one so you will have more surgery. Then you will not be tan enough or tall enough or shapely enough.
-- The Anti-Jared, "Everyone Has a Bikini Body," Huffington Post

Sometimes bullshit fucks a thesaurus and they have policy babies.
-- Andrew Jackson, Facebook, comments

Murder, as everybody knows, sends poison ripples through lives and generations of lives. Tragic, what can happen to people connected by blood and testimony.
-- Keith Morrison, narration in "Dateline: The Stripper and the Steelworker"

I’ve said for years that you could hammer unemployment to zero within a month by soaking the rich in New Deal era level taxes and using the money to hire people – or, in your scenario (which I prefer), guaranteeing them minimum income. The argument for trickle down is “let the rich keep all their money, they’ll create jobs,” right? Guess what? They’re not performing that function right now. So take their money and do it for them. Never happen, of course.
-- Chris, Balloon Juice, comments

It's an ill wingnut that blows no one some good.

If I'm ever blown by an ill wingnut, I'll know that the propaganda is working
-- Roy Edroso and Brian Schlosser, Alicublog, comments

We are rapidly deregulating ourselves back to the day when anyone could slap a label on a bottle of well anything and claim their formula was a miracle cure for everything!
-- Kiiri, Respectful Insolence, comments

A global fight actually is the sum of many local fights.
-- GalaxyF, Pandagon, comments

He's like the Swedish Chef's significantly less-adorable, drug-addicted brother who the Swedish Chef refuses to publicly acknowledge.
-- C.A. Pinkham, "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Menu, Item by Insane Item," Jezebel

The thing we of the left just don’t seem to be able to grasp is that the elites of the right live in, and are of, the world of advertising and PR. They live in the Activia world. Spend two years putting out ads that falsely claim Activa is better for your guts and immune system than regular active culture yogurt and watch people pay 30% more for for nothing. Then when you get sued, back off the false claims, secure in the knowledge that the idea is so firmly planted in the minds of the drones that all Jamie Lee has to do is mug and raise her eyebrows to convey the false message. For them, reality is just a thing you spend money making people believe. Academics who were mostly of the left may have invented deconstructionism, but the right’s been living it for decades.
-- NCSteve, Balloon Juice, comments

You can understand their chagrin - after spending 35 years actively working to produce low-information voters via underfunding schools, creating an entire fake news universe & etc., they now discover that either they're failures at creating dumbasses or they haven't created enough of them to succeed.
-- JennOfArk, Alicublog, comments

Problem: cute empire-waist dress ends up being a mid-boob dividing line instead on you.
-- AuntieMeat, imgur, comments

Rather than thinking of it as 'cleaning my apartment', I like to think about it as "ferocious battle against entropy.
-- Twitter user @seelix, spotted on DGlenn's Facebook

We are, it seems, in a new Gilded Age in which self-government gives way to oligarchy, and in which the forces of the organized money power have sealed off all the avenues of democratic reform even more securely than they did during the last Gilded Age, which fell ultimately to the rising power of the Progressive movement and its own lurid excesses. ... Money does, indeed, talk. And Big Money repeats itself, age after age.

The Supreme Court has given license to corporate money to swamp the electoral system, and it is the most corporate-friendly Supreme Court since the turn of the last century. The banks that were too big to fail in 2008 are even bigger today, and the country seems to have learned nothing from the economic calamity that befell it. There are powerful forces arrayed against the country's ability to learn anything from its recent history. There is a fearsome momentum behind the belief that the country's economic situation is best left to the spells and conjuring words of the financial elite. There is a serious inertial pushback against self-government in every area, but particularly in the economy.
-- Charles P. Pierce, "The Teacher," The Politics Blog

Those of us born into Reagan don’t really appreciate the shithole we’ve inherited.
-- Jack the Second, Balloon Juice, comments

I get a surprising number of Master's and Ph.D theses from religious schools (I edit theses for a living). Most of them are so poorly reasoned and written, it's a wonder the schools in question have any credentials at all--even the Rand-Paul made-up variety.
-- Derelict, Alicublog, comments

Cells show remarkably little appreciation for the arts and are unable to discuss the finer points of poetry, even if cultured.
-- Mephistopheles O'Brien, Respectful Insolence, comments

Why do dudes always wanna know your bra size tho, what are they gonna do, buy you bras?? Cause that would be very helpful bras cost a lot of money I would save a fortune
-- tumblr user fangpants, spotted on imgur

I’ve spent a lot of years having self-identified MRAs come at me online and so I’ve noticed a sea change in who adorns themselves with that moniker. It used to be mostly middle-aged men who are furious that their wives were allowed to divorce them and were angling for political power over the lives of ex-wives, and blamed feminism for their problems when they should be blaming themselves and their inability to relinquish control. Now it seems like it’s mostly young men who are largely motivated by anger upon discovering that there’s nothing they can do to obligate a woman to have sex—much less a relationship—with them, and instead of investing in personal change that makes it likelier women will want to, they instead spend hours online trying to minimize rape and sexual harassment as a kind of broad revenge against women. Subsequently, the points of obsession have moved from being angry about child support to being angry at anyone who suggests that sexual harassment is the fault of harassers.
-- Amanda Marcotte, “Confirmed: ‘Men’s Rights Activism’ is For Misogynists Without God,” Pandagon

The two telltale signs of a conservative are the utter lack of shame and constant state of victimhood.
-- Petorado, Balloon Juice, comments

In general, the phrase "I'm an engineer, therefore I understand science" is often a red flag for things like denial of evolution and (as here) climate-change denial. (Conversely, the phrase "I'm a scientist, therefore I understand engineering" is frequently associated with devices or constructs that fail in hilariously spectacular fashion.
-- dmsilev, Alicublog, comments

Gosh, you lovable, credulous moron. Never change, just get hit by a bus in the near future.
-- WilliamLawrenceUtridge, Science-Based Medicine, comments

Well, fuck comcast with a verizon-shaped dildo!
-- Woody NinetyNiner Konopak, Facebook

Of course this menu would feature truffles somewhere, because "truffles" is how you shine the Douchebag Signal into the night sky in modern American restaurant culture.
-- C.A. Pinkham, "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Menu, Item by Insane Item," Jezebel

So one former president starts a global foundation to address global health and wellness, another fights poverty and builds houses. And one president paints ugly ass paintings. I think that says about all we need to know about our living former presidents.
-- TaMara, Balloon Juice, comments [And one is so faded-into-the-background, everyone forgets him. -- ?!]

Righties are so determined to derisively call everything a "religion" - environmentalism, leftism, health care, etc. - that I think it's time we adopted their definition of "religious liberty" and refuse to insure or work with anybody whose "religion" is different.
-- Luke Y. Thompson, Alicublog, comments

my favorite mythical creatures are the happy girls in tampon commercials
-- tumblr user mareeps, spotted on imgur

The Internet is a boon to humanity. It is also terrible. That is its special nature. Every cogent thought put forth has a dark, mindless twin — sometimes these twins are legion — ready to feed on a person’s idea and process it into the toxic waste found at the bottom of virtually any website you care to visit.
-- Andy Khouri, “Fake Geek Guys: A Message to Men About Sexual Harassment,”

You can't have the right over a woman’s uterus, over someone else’s body. You want a right over a fetus? Then carry one.
You don't want to become a parent?
Use condoms.
Get a vasectomy.
Don't ejaculate inside a vagina.
Abstain from sex.
Bang other dudes.
There's plenty of choices, but you cannot demand control over someone else's body. Once you leave your gametes inside someone elses body it's already out of your control. Blame biology.
-- GalaxyF, Pandagon, comments

How many stories do we have to read of politicians who revere the Bible falling into wickedness and vice before we do something? It seems like holding high political office is too much for our brothers in Christ. Much as our young women should dress modestly in order to keep their men from being tempted by lust, we should strive to defend conservative family values by voting godly men out of office. Their families will thank us.
-- Jay in Oregon, Balloon Juice, comments

I find the arguments from climate change "skeptics" to be amazingly silly. I once saw one of these guys post a story about snowfall in a very arid region and announce that this proved that global warming was a lie. My only response to that was "So it snowed in the desert for the first time in recorded history, and that proves that everything is normal to you?"
-- D Johnston, Alicublog, comments

I don't know the answers, and I'm pretty sure the answers don't matter.
-- former CFB Trenton commander Russell Williams, on why he committed his crimes, from his confession video, excerpted in "Dateline: Conduct Unbecoming"

My grandmother has a playboy bathrobe. She loves to show it to everyone and shock them, pretending that she does not know what it means
-- LeaveTheLightOn, imgur, comments

Yes, but you *would* say that; you sound Lawful Evil to me.
-- herr doktor bimler, Respectful Insolence, comments, to another commenter

Strangely, we don’t treat the Negro League records with the same reverence we treat MLB records of the same era…Josh Gibson hit between 800-100 career home runs in the Negro League (accurate records are hard to come by). How many would he have hit in MLB? Who knows. Maybe less, but why do we not hold him on the same level as the white MLB players of the same era? Heck, why isn’t Satchel Paige talked about as one of the greatest pitchers of all time? He didn’t even get to play in MLB until he was 42, and he played until he was 47. In that time, as a guy who should be retired, he still managed to be a 2 time all star and finish with a basically .500 record.
-- Kevin, Balloon Juice, comments

There's this presumption that public health advocates (along with ecologists and anyone else who can be associated with both science and "the left") don't really believe what they say, they're just saying these things so that they can control people's behavior.

What, that doesn't make sense to you? You're wondering why anyone would want to steer a population's behavior away from a certain hazard if he didn't think the hazard was actually there? Well, that's where we get into "thriller by a 4th-rate novelist" territory. Some of them do believe it's for money - as illogical as that may seem - but there are countless other hypotheses. It's to weaken the US so that the UN can take over. It's connected to communism somehow. It's because they're all part of an anti-human cult. It's so they can wipe out Christianity (don't ask). It's because they're just assholes and hate everyone irrationally. Lots of reasons.
-- D Johnston, Alicublog, comments

Christ, I'm whiter than a mayonnaise truck accident at the RNC, and even I know that.
-- C.A. Pinkham, "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Menu, Item by Insane Item," Jezebel

EL AL? Every Landing Always Late?
-- David Nachenberg, Facebook, comments

Big online projects always shit themselves when they go live.
-- FMguru, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

Marxism, while a complete failure as the basis for an economy and political system, has a great deal of utility as an analytical tool. Marxian analysis might lead too many people to ponder too deeply on how and why they’re being repeatedly screwed by our economic system and the pols who defend it at the behest of those who own them, not to mention being taxed in order to pay for that very same screwing.
-- danielx, Balloon Juice, comments

Traditionally, the double standard is that the government will sort of ignore you or drag its feet if you’re committing or threatening violence against a poor and disenfranchised group, but will absolutely go into freak mode (Palmer Raids, COINTELPRO) if you commit or threaten violence against the government. (This often benefits right wing groups like the Ku Klux Klan, who thrive on targeting the poor and disenfranchised). The unusual thing about nowadays is that you have people openly committing and/or threatening violence against the government, and thanks to the large number of wingnuts that’re in it, “the government” not only isn’t reacting as is usual for them but much of it is actually egging them on. Not unlike the schizophrenic relationship Saudi authorities have with their jihadis, in fact.
-- Chris, Balloon Juice, comments

From a female perspective, pregnancy is always a huge investment. Even more so if her species has a hemochorial placenta. Once that placenta is in place, she not only loses full control of her own hormones, she also risks hemorrhage when it comes out. So it makes sense that females want to screen embryos very, very carefully. Going through pregnancy with a weak, inviable or even sub-par fetus isn't worth it.
-- Suzanne Sadedin, PhD, “How the Woman Got Her Period,”

When we had heavily regulated and taxed capitalism in the post-war era, the largest employer in America was General Motors, and they paid working people what would be, in today’s dollars, about $50 an hour with benefits.
-- Thom Hartmann, “Reaganomics killed America’s middle class,”

It's easier to self-claim as Christian and not be a church-goer as it requires no effort. The latter are what I started referring to as CYACs (pronounced 'kayaks') or "cover your ass christians". They are the ones, when pressed for reason for their belief, invariably respond to the question with a question of "what if you are wrong?" They see John 3:16 as a "Get Out of Hell Free" card.
-- Ostracon, Pandagon, comments

I really wish that the local and slow-food movements weren’t so wrapped up in the naturalist fallacy. It seems like anyplace that sells good local/sustainable foods is also inevitably loaded to the gills with alt-med crap. Drives me nuts.
-- Christina, Science-Based Medicine, comments

The economic and social aspects aren’t bugs, they’re features. The tendency is to turn everything into a positional good – so that what makes it good is not its goodness, but that it exists at all. Then you can get people to fight like wolverines for less, and less, and pocket the savings. A never-ending-experiment in how little can you give them and not get lynched. Winner gets to live in Gstad.

My access to quality education is a fiction, but your access is a farce.
My health ‘insurance’ is based on fee-for-no-service, premiums without product. But you don’t have anything. My job sucks, but you have no job at all.

This works best when the contrasts are strongest. The goal is a slightly-less-crowded version of India.
-- Davis X. Machina, Balloon Juice, comments

[T]here's also this reverse psychology thing going on with these idiots. My right wing sister in law asked me years ago--like 15--whether I didn't expect that it would someday turn out that organic foods were actually bad for you--worse than GMO or artificial fertilizer type foods. Now that I'm doing all this polisci reading I can see that she was offering a classic "futility, perversity, jeopardy" argument. Because that is what is going on here. Its not sufficient for these idiots to argue that a social program or insight is futile (null in effect) they have to argue that there is a perverse backlash from it as well that makes the individual or society worse off than before.
-- Aimai, Alicublog, comments

[M]y sister and I invented a fake conspiracy theory once, that the Cold War was a hoax perpetuated by historians. We were trying to come up with one so absurd no one would believe it. It is presented on, with the exception that it is conspiring politicians, not historians, as absolute fact. So I believe people do sincerely believe that.
-- dedicated lurker, Respectful Insolence, comments

Funbags. Boobsters. Chumbawumbas. Dingle bobbers. Dairy pillows. Nums nums. We can’t quite take them seriously… Breasts embarrass us. They’re unpredictable. They’re goofy. They can turn both babies and grown men into lunkheads. [M]ammary glands define our entire taxonomic class. Breasts are us.
-- Florence Williams, from Breasts: A Natural and Unnatural History, quoted at Salon

I'm a scientist and I feel like I'm trying to teach particularly dense dogs how the axon terminal releases a neurotransmitter called glutamate to bipolar cells.
-- TheSailor, Raw Story, comments

I have what may be a very, very crazy idea: Why don’t the Democrats suggest that we make every April 15th a National Holiday? Call it “Patriot’s Day,” to emphasize that paying your taxes is not just a patriotic duty, but and also a way to honor the patriots who helped build and defend this great patriotic nation, over he last 200+ years. And give everyone the day off, for “Patriot’s Day!”
-- c u n d gulag, Balloon Juice, comments

Don’t just say, ‘Oh, I need to work on that.’ Say, ‘I need to work on this element of that.’ Absolutely eat dessert first. The thing that you want to do the most, do that. … I have a reward system. I am the monkey with the pellet and it’s so bad that I write almost everything in restaurants or cafes [so] that when I have an idea, I go and get chocolate. I’ll write it down and then get some chocolate. I have the idea, I get my pellet . . . I mean I’m terrible. I don’t put that on the list because that’s not advice. That’s something I’m seeking help for. It’s a vice and it’s different than advice.
-- Joss Whedon, interviewed in “How to be Prolific: Guidelines for Getting It Done from Joss Whedon,” by Ari Karpel, Fast Company

I want to know when my worship begins. I don't have a pedestal, but I'll stand on a chair if someone with offer me sacrifices of pie and Maker's Mark.
-- Lea Tapp, Pandagon, comments

I tell my students that “genes load the gun, and environment pulls the trigger.”
-- Angora Rabbit, Science-Based Medicine, comments

Sexual harassment isn’t an occupational hazard. It’s not a glitch in the complex matrix of modern life. It’s not something that just “happens.” It’s something men do. It’s a choice men make. It’s a problem men enable. It’s sometimes a crime men commit. And it is not in the power nor the responsibility of women to wage war on this crime.
-- Andy Khouri, “Fake Geek Guys: A Message to Men About Sexual Harassment,”

I know an upper middle-class privileged girl who went to Africa with her new MBA to help the poor people make micro business plans etc. She said the shack slums were “picturesque”. Helping the poors was not much fun (lazy ingrates you see), so she quickly changed to a tech job. Leveraged that into a bigger tech business, and is now a giant fish in that small pond. Wanted to name the new African business after a Native American tribe from the area she grew up in. She is not at all associated with this tribe or even know someone from it. Wtf I was thinking the other day how the people over there are probably annoyed and oppressed enough with their own elites, without importing fresh new ones from America.
-- muddy, Balloon Juice, comments

I have come to the realization that nobody can beat the creativity of genuine conspiracy whackos. I learned this when I encountered the Moon Hoax Claim To Beat All Moon Hoax Claims — the Apollo missions were faked to avoid revealing the truth that supersonic flight is impossible for anything larger than a rifle bullet. Satellites are an elaborate scheme conducted using airliners and possibly balloons. Supersonic fighters and the Concorde — all faked, everybody paid off. ICBMs? Not possible. And he knows this because one day he got to thinking and realized that as things got heavier, it took more energy to speed them up. A few back-of-the-envelope calculations based on god-knows-what later, and he’d concluded that a rifle bullet is the largest object that can be accelerated to supersonic speeds. His explanation for planetary motion? None, really. He seemed to live in a little bubble where he’d had this one revelation, and his entire world view was then built upon it.
-- Calli Arcale, Respectful Insolence, comments

I don't want to spend time with children. They aren't good conversationalists.
-- Nimravid, Pandagon, comments

When corporations fund R&D directly or indirectly with public funds they are in essence socializing some of their costs. What then is the ethical basis for refusing to socialize some of the benefits?
-- Windriven, Science-Based Medicine, comments

I have a completely useless activity that humans do that really needs to stop: Climbing Mount Everest. It’s pointless other than killing people.
-- Belafon, Balloon Juice, comments

And I just saw Steven, and at first he looked normal. I didn't look at his body, I just looked at his face. He just looked normal. And then before my eyes, his head just swelled, and I just said to this, the ambulance woman that was there, "How bad is it?" and she just looked ata me. She said, "It's really bad." I just sat there, thinking of everything and nothing. And every thought I had was about Steven. I thought. I saw his first step. I saw me bring him home from hospital. I saw his first girlfriend. I just sat there, living his life, living his past, living his future, living his death, living everything, because I thought by doing -- by thinking about Steven, he would know that I was thinking about him.
-- Shelley Prince, mother of hit-and-run victim Stephen Prince, interviewed in "Anatomy of a Crime: A Bad Character"

We asked people to write down why you filed. Just tell us why you are in bankruptcy, in their own words. And that was the part that was just—and that's where people talked about … the baby died, or what it was like to care for a husband for nine years through dementia, and couldn't quite make it to the end of each month, so I'd use the credit cards to pay for his medications. And now he's gone and I have $140,000 of debt, living on Social Security. And they just tell these stories. And I don't know how anybody could read that and still be the same. So for me it became the big shift on how I came to understand the world. That there are plenty of people out there with plenty of money to tell a story that suits their bottom line. But someone has to speak up for the people who are just getting rolled over.
-- Elizabeth Warren, quoted in "The Teacher," The Politics Blog

What in the name of everlovingfuck is the matter with you? Are you simply stupid? Are you just ignorant? Are you broken? Newsflash: you are owed NOTHING. Not a thing. Not a goddamn thing. This fandom, that fandom, guess what? It doesn’t belong to you. You don’t own it. You partake in it. It’s called community.
-- ruckawriter, “Contents Under Pressure,” Front Toward Enemy

When I used my real name, all of a sudden there was a lot of commentary. “Oh, you're a woman” or “You can't really be a woman” or “You don't write like a woman.” Or all of a sudden my arguments were not taken as seriously or were judged as hysterical or emotional....
-- Adrienne Wadewitz, in a lecture at Scripps College, quoted in her obituary in the LA Times, on editing Wikipedia

But no, you’ve totally made a convincing case that aliens visited Earth to sodomize a bunch of hicks and buzz airplanes. Their motivation is such that they never engage with world leaders, governments or our worldwide broadcast technology, and always leave no evidence. They have enough technology to run circles around our airplanes and detectors, but never quite enough technology to actually detect them in advance and thus avoid them. They remain incredibly stealthy, but always manage to be cited by drunks or people with shaky cams, and don’t seem to have anything like an ultraviolet light or heat-sensitive camera. Good job.
-- WilliamLawrenceUtridge, Science-Based Medicine, comments

Poverty is different now. It's been rebranded as personal failure. We can hardly forget that as political decisions are absolved and individual choices rebuked. What did you do to get yourself into this state? What are you failing to do to get yourself out of it? The phantom work-shy now includes people too sick to get out of bed in the morning.
-- Frances Ryan, “Poverty has been rebranded as personal failure,” The Guardian

I can't blame anyone too much for being tribalist. I'd be tribalist too, if I could find a tribe that a) would have me and b) didn't suck.
-- Daniel Björkman, Alicublog, comments

Yep. Blond like Hitler. Tall like Göbbels. Shapely like Himmler. Clearsighted as Rudolf Hess. All he needs to be perfect Aryan breeding stock is the slimness of Göring.
-- Reynardine, Hatewatch, comments

An ultra-fringe conspiracy group -- they complain that viruses are nanomachines designed by Jews – you can tell because the baseplate looks like a star of David...
-- Colin, Respectful Insolence, comments
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