Quotes, Waiting for Godot Edition

There is nothing on this earth less transgressive than straight, white, male comedians complaining about Political Correctness.
-- Facebones, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

Yeah, it DOES seem like harmless fun to dipshit toxic men, until you break their arm for committing sexual assault. Consequences, boys. Consequences.
-- mountainofsleep, Twitter

I have ADHD so start my day with coffee and dexamphetamine. Electricity says “Hi” and a passing
gravity wave asked how your mum is doing.
-- Chris Gianacas, Facebook, comments

Left handed, dyspraxic and coeliac! I'm like the unicorn nobody asked for.
-- haemwrecker, Reddit, comments

Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property ... were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long. Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets. I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate. And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food. The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway. They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change. Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face. It’s traumatizing to you and deeply hilarious to your parents.
-- indirispeaks, "The Great Flamingo Uprising," zookeeperproblems.tumblr.com

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Quotes, Secret Cloud Bunker Edition

Now is not the time to politicize politics.
-- hellslittlestangel, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

In 1935, Hawaii's Mauna Loa erupted, threatening the town of Hilo with its lava. Admittedly, that's an average Tuesday in Hawaii, but famed volcanologist Thomas Jaggar was determined to teach that lava a lesson it wouldn't soon forget.

Luckily, there was a nearby U.S. Army Air Corps base, commanded by a young George S. Patton, who of course later became famous for wearing ridiculous pants while standing in front of a big American flag. At Jaggar's prompting, Patton ordered his planes to take to the skies and bomb the erupting volcano. The hope was that the explosions would collapse the volcano's underground vents, blocking the flow of lava to the surface. It wasn't so much "mad science" as "Screw it, let's give it a shot" science. But it was one hell of a shot; Patton deployed a squadron of biplanes to swoop down and drop 20 600-pound bombs. The explosions, of course, sent molten lava hurling 200 feet into the air to burn holes in the planes' wings.
-- Alex Hanton, "5 Bonkers Supervillain Plans Real Governments Actually Tried," Cracked

It may seem medieval for an elected official to leverage the monarchy , but as the old saying goes "the past is prorogue."
-- @_mike_schilling, Twitter

Whenever my parents talk to other parents about shenanigans their young children pulled, my dad brings up the time he came home from work to see 3-year-old me up on the kitchen counter with an entire package of cinnamon raisin bagels having been split in half and de-raisined. When he asked me what I was doing, I very proudly exclaimed, 'I'm eating raisins!'
-- alexm42, Reddit

I may have shared this story before but I Love it, so here goes. Several years back I was listening to "SCI FRIDAY" with Ira Plato on the npr. His guest was one of the founders of the internet (no it wasn't Al Gore) It was the 25th anniversary of the internet, They lamented on all sorts of things that have changed since its inception. At the close of the interview Ira asked his guest; So what has been the most surprising thing you have seen since this all began.. (Now I am waiting with baited breath for some deep reflection perhaps how the transfer of data has exponentially increased our understanding of the universe.) He simply responded with. "I didn't know there were so many cats"
-- Jim Dandy, Facebook, comments

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Quotes, Burning Up the House Edition

Will medicare for all pay for rocket surgery?
-- Portlander, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

Gosh, it's almost like the same right wing capitalists that claim we need a wall are also the same right wing capitalists dependent on undocumented laborers.
-- Jessica Barrington, Facebook, comments

Voted the world's most scenic landing location using a scheduled flight, Barra's airport is claimed to be the only airport in the world to have regular scheduled flights landing on a beach. The aircraft currently in operation on Barra is the de Havilland Canada DHC-6 Twin Otter, flown by Loganair to/from Glasgow. There are usually flights every day of the week in the summer.
-- from the Wikipedia page for Barra, an island in the Outer Hebrides, Scotland

“When I told one officer who came out to my house that they threatened to send me drugs, he said ‘Okay, well just let me know when the cocaine arrives,'” Holzman recalled. “It was pretty funny because the other responding officer approached us and only caught the last thing his partner said, and suddenly looked at the other officer with deadly seriousness.”
-- Brian Krebs, "Neo-Nazi SWATters Target Dozens of Journalists," Krebs on Security

[W]hen our family met with President Obama, he immediately addressed my 11-year-old daughter and told her that he could tell she was the troublemaker of the family. Not only was he right, but he gave us the ability to continually remind her of this official presidential assessment of her character.
-- look-a-monkey, Balloon Juice, comments

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Quotes, Who is Now Edition

I hate to state the obvious, but there is a tree in the middle of the runway!
-- Ari, dialogue from "The Red Sea Diving Resort"

Tourism, in particular, hasn’t changed much in two or three millennia. Archaeologists working in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings found Greek and Latin graffiti in the tomb of Pharaoh Ramses VI, who ruled from 1132 to 1125 BCE. They say it dated from around 332 BCE, when Alexander the Great conquered Egypt, to the fall of the Roman Empire around 476 CE. Many of the hastily etched comments would look right at home among modern Yelp reviews. “I visited, and I did not like anything except the sarcophagus!" wrote one visitor. "I cannot read the hieroglyphs!” complained another. The tomb walls even contain comments on the original “posts” from other visitors: “Why do you care that you cannot read the hieroglyphs?” some ancient Roman visitor wrote in response to the comment above. “I do not understand your concern.”
-- Kiona M. Smith, "A 2,000-year-old stylus makes a point about ancient Roman humor," Ars Technica

Supply & Demand: We Supply nothing and you give into to our Demands.
-- Sugarfreelowfat, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

In 1991 I was driving cross country and stopped in downtown St. Louis. I parked my car and walked over to a group of cops and asked them if it was alright to park where I was. They looked at my NY plates, said yes, then told me to stay away from the n!gg*rs. I remember it like yesterday.
-- Matthew Cottom, Facebook, comments

Insane Clown Posse on Kid Rock: "He has spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is that people like about us. And believe me, we have always wondered the same thing about him."
-- @jsmooth995, Twitter

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Quotes, Money Embarrassments Edition

Pineapples belong on pizza the way... dreadlocks belong on Captain Picard.
-- Eli Sacks, Facebook, comments

I used to think Trump was a more racist Archie Bunker but he’s really a more racist David Duke.
-- Damon Porter, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

These are not the Napoleons of crime. They’re morons. We were letting morons beat us.
-- former Cuyahoga County, Ohio prosecutor Tim McGuinty, quoted in Cory Doctorow, "Lessons from testing decades of forgotten rape kits: serial rapists are common, they don't follow a pattern, they're not very bright, and they're often the same men who commit acquaintance rape," BoingBoing

Let me personalize this: I fucking love my neighborhood. I love the black women artists who live downstairs from me who. I love the Latino kids who ride their bikes up and down the street with rap music on old school boomboxes playing. I love the Indian family across the street who have a disabled son whose Chinese bus driver is always overjoyed to see. I love the Dominican family behind me who have parties that always end up with musicians playing amazing tunes. I love the young Puerto Rican parents who have a car with a license frame that says, "My other car is the Tardis." I love the white people who showed up to offer comfort to the Pakistani owner of the corner bodega when his father died. It ain't perfect. We've had crime and fights and everything (although that's changed since the neighborhood has become even more diverse). But I fucking love this America. I don't know who is here legally or illegally. And I don't give a shit. I just care that we all treat each other with respect. If you don't love this, too, then you don't love this country.
-- Rude, "Let's Have This Goddamn Political Race War Already," The Rude Pundit

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Quotes, Izzmonster Tummy Edition

Is that a saying yet?
"In a runaway reaction, the best reaction is to RUN AWAY"
-- acronus, YouTube, comments, on "Runaway: Explosion at T2 Laboratories"

I lost three sirens during the tornado. I had somebody complain to me later on that I turned one of them off during the tornado. [Audience laughs.] I said, "No, that was the one that disappeared." Four hundred pound piece of metal, still -- I never found it. I have no idea what happened to it.
-- Joplin, MO Emergency Management Director, in "20 Minutes in May," lecture on emergency management during and after the 2015 F-5 Joplin tornado

America is brimming over with amazing ideas, all implemented in the most ass-backward and idiotic way.
-- Michael Toledano, Facebook, comments

Just ahead of the Canada Day long weekend, a Saskatoon man may have committed the most Canadian act ever: buying a full-sized canoe with a briefcase full of Canadian Tire money.
-- Morgan Modjeski, "Only in Canada: Saskatoon man buys canoe with briefcase full of Canadian Tire cash," CBC News

The pilot was too close to the rocks. Touch the... [makes circular motion with hand over head] *whp whp*... Everybody down.
-- Mont-Blanc mountain guide Phillipe Choub, interviewed in "Mountain Rescue Episode 4," describing a helicopter crash he was in, in English, and communicating spectacularly

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Quotes, Bad Movies and Worse Money Edition

[I]n an ideal world, there would be gay party hacks across the board. No good reason why center-right parties should be deprived of loyal people with a variety of orientations.
-- Richard Hoch, Facebook, comments

I was ready for a woman President in 1972 when, as an 8 year-old suburban white boy, I was mesmerized by Shirley Chisholm, the first black female candidate for President. Why is it taking so many people so long to catch up to that little boy who had so much hope 47 years ago?
-- @AlwaysShanePS, Twitter, comments

I remember getting hit on the head with the plane.
-- QF 72 passenger Caroline Southcott, interviewed in "Australia Saturday Night: Qantas flight 72"

Oh, luck. Luck! You always need a bit of luck, you know (laughs) in any emergency.
-- Captain (Ret.) Michael Lloyd, interviewed in "Australia Saturday Night: Mayday: True terror on board the Viking Sky cruise ship"

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Quotes, Now Is It Time to Panic? Edition

Minnesotan here. Our biggest export is pot holes. We've stopped referring to them in inches, we now use the number of beds and baths they can accommodate.

There's a really nice 4 bedroom 3 bathroom one on Broadway just east of Marshall Street right now.
-- Michael Collins and Elena Hahn, Facebook, comments

The time for playing nice with these assholes is over.
-- Jim Krepke, dialogue from "Unspeakable: Unsafe," S1E4

Nazi beliefs are based on ideas of strength, so punching them is a practical deconstruction of their worldview. I call it “Percussive Epistemology”
-- u/TheSkepticalTerrier

Johnson (news anchor): What are we doing?
Hayes: Gettin' you on the air! We need to warn people!
Johnson: How? There's no way to upload a signal!
Hayes: Oh-ho-ho-ho-hoh, you're at Cal Tech!
-- dialogue from "San Andreas"

When one is tired and unwashed, I think one is legitimately entitled to refuse to feel noble.
-- Captain Charles May, extract from diaries, voiceover in "The Somme" (BBC documentary)

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Quotes, Season of Miracles Edition

Is that [a "Montreal bagel"] a hockey term? Like when a goalie is putting on a shut out but will only pass the puck to French-speaking members of his team?

"Hey Gordy, are we seeing a true Montreal bagel right in front of us?"
"We sure are, Wayne, and this game is a true barn burner. Just kiddin' folks, there's no fire here, just good, wholesome, hockey, the way it's meant to be played. And while I have your attention I want to remind you that hockey night in Canada is brought to you by Kaiser Permanente managed health options."
"Really, Gordy?"
"No, Wayne. We have universal healthcare, it's great. No need to buy some expensive plan economically invested in not treating you. Just go to the hospital if you need to folks, it's fantastic. Tonight's game is brought to you by Tim Horton's, again. Don't worry if those timbits make you pre-diabetic, because health care is free!"
"I sure do love Tim Horton's, Gordy."
"Of course you do, Wayne. If you didn't I'd have to kill you myself and dump your body in the Humber river to be eaten by panfish and trout. We've been friends for going on 20 years but I'd do it in a heartbeat and I wouldn't even look back to see the red of your blood spreading over the surface."
"Oh there, Gordy, there's some of that good Canadian comedy I love so much."
"Sure Wayne. I was joking. Let's go with that. Anyway, let's enjoy the rest of this Montreal bagel. The goalie's now in a fist fight with a member of his own team who said they should only teach English in schools. It's a real good one!"
-- Nobdy, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

My ex and I had a rescue cat and then she got a kitten to keep him company. When we split she moved back home where there were 2 other Cats. Apollo would be meaowing at the fridge by himself every morning to no avail, so he asked to go out. He rounded up the other 3..They would end up asking to all come in and then would gather at the fridge and meow .... Apollo had formed a Union ... Strength in numbers!!! Another victory for the Cat union local # Trois Cat Sank .
-- Jake Kay, Facebook, comments

Not much damage, didnt hurt anyone. This is definitely a Canadian nuclear accident. I'm surprised the core didnt apologize
-- Barry Soetoro, YouTube, comments, on Plainly Difficult, "Brief History of: The NRX reactor Accident," Canada's first nuclear incident

Ah, CPAC. The Conservative Political Action Conference. It’s like Burning Man for Republicans... Also, Donald Trump fucked a flag live on stage like some strange textile variation of a Tijuana donkey show.
-- Jim Wright, "Last Refuge," Stonekettle Station

What is all the fun about war, if not to loot your neighbour?
-- Professor Yosef Garfinkel, lecture "Searching for the Historical King David: Khirbet Qeiyafa and Khirbet al-Ra’i,” on wars in antiquity

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Quotes, Antisemeets Edition

The page is called Begin with Yes. Is there a page called Ben Gurion with No?
-- Naftali Schindler, Facebook, comments

When the only tool you have is a ratchet, every problem looks like you're a fucking idiot.
-- Xecky Gilchrist, Lawyers, Guns, and Money, comments

I’m not rich I’m financially corpulent.
-- @activistmode, Twitter

Susan [Backlinie] and Stephen [Spielberg] were looping the screams. And he had her tilt her head back, and he poured water down her throat while she screamed...which is now known as 'waterboarding'. [smiles] So Stephen is actually guilty of a war crime...
-- Richard Dreyfuss, interviewed in "Jaws: The Inside Story"

Nobody owns a cat. Whether a cat owns you is a matter of opinion. Your opinion doesn't count.
-- text from a cat meme

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